a prototype - becoming a new prototype

Description: An update about Prototype and where I've been, and my desire to come back and be a proficient writer. Learning about trauma but also learning about love; pursuing a career in live sound and how leaving a hurtful situation was a blessing that took some time to reveal itself. A failed outlook on plans, dates, learning how to take up space in a place where everyone feels like they already know each other. Too many mentions of the universe, and next steps on music pieces.

I haven't written anything in a long time. Not even the releases that were on my mind that had been on my radar for years now. I wanted to do music analysis pieces on everything from Strawberry Cough's Life is Worth Living to the newest Dogwhistle EP. And I haven't done any of it. It was more than just writer's block—I developed skill regression after learning about my autism and after all these years I still haven't bounced back to myself, and there was a time I was a lot more capable of being myself than I am now. Life hit me in a lot of different ways: I went to school for music production, I was getting more consistent hours at my job that I just now lost, and got more in touch with myself spiritually which I think left me more aware and stunned of the hardships that surrounded me, and I got off my anti-depressants after 2 long years of being on them (which was a whiplash I was not prepared for in the slightest).

    I picked up journaling again (well, properly this time) after going through something really traumatic back in February. I completely lost who I was after pouring so much of myself into someone who never had my best interests at heart, and I've spent the last ~6 months accepting that I am no longer the same person and I'll have to put in some work to find who that is again. From the horrid breakdowns to pacing back and forth, I realized I couldn't do anything with the thoughts quite literally overflowing in my head. It got to the point of suffocation for me to realize I should probably put it all down on a page, and I did. I was relieved at how much weight it had lifted off, even if it was not the most profound thing I had written—and that was the point—that I just wrote without a clause. Alas, I kept at it out of necessity, and then out of desire. I go to random parks and bring a picnic blanket and an incense and write whatever comes to me, and now that it's sort of habit, it made me realize how much I miss writing more sophisticated and planned-out pieces.

    I miss blogposting, and I disappeared when I dropped out of university and started school for music production. From feeling lost and out-of-place to unexpectedly throwing myself into college and it suddenly taking up all of my time. While it was super fulfilling, I totally went off-grid, unaware that the local music scene would change so drastically when I was finally ready to come back. And then I felt lost all over again. I had not properly harboured the friendships I had made around me and I was too nervous and in-my-head to come back to them with open arms, afraid everyone had forgotten about me. I became a recluse, disconnected, after opening myself up to so many great people and I began to regret what my life turned into. My job made it difficult to come out and support my friends I had committed myself to supporting whenever I could. Showing up and coming out is the whole point of local music and all of it was moving really fast. They had gained new support systems and with people I felt were too out of reach for me. I still am very afraid to take up space, despite being known to people I have met before. All of a sudden I was a punk veteran in a scene with an entirely new wave of bands, hardcore taking over, an overwhelming amount of photographers, zines and promoters took the spotlight, and I did not know where to dip my toe in anymore. My chronic pain does not make me much of a hardcore dancer and I was out of the loop for the first time in my amateur-music-connoisseur-career. The idea of running Protopunk under the new light felt overwhelming to me and it seemed like people started doing it better than I ever was capable of.

    I know this sounds like a lot of self-loathing but part of my journey in finding who I am again was realizing that it was just a different person entirely, and I think I'm still getting used to that idea. Things got a lot better a lot more quickly than I anticipated, and I was scared of letting go, as if it was already done so easily. I went on the best four dates I had ever been on, but the person was meant for greater things in their career, and my schedule quickly changed right after too. I was given clemency and I still proceeded to embarrass myself one too many times in front of them, but I also think I needed to experience some good after everything I had gone through. I think all of the universe's answers to my pain were starting to reveal themselves and I began to experience a lot of blessings through the hardships, and I've been on a never-ending journey of growing-pains since. After going to school I knew I wanted to work in the scene in some capacity and had an eager eye for recording and live sound, but after all the changes I mentioned I was lost on where to start or go. Bands all of a sudden were getting recordings done before even playing a show, and my DIY recording plans were no longer needed with everyone's newfound self-proficiency. It felt like the mentality I went into school with was nowhere near the same as coming out. I realized my connections were no longer the same, and some friends were no longer friends with other friends that were friends. It's complicated. All of a sudden I do not know how to face people and take up space. I feel like everyone already knows each other and I have no place to interrupt. I had forgotten how to use my voice and it's a growing-pain that I am still trying to navigate.

    My schedule quickly changed when I got a connection to Houndstooth through my beloved friend who I quite literally owe my life to for doing so, and they did it without me even asking. I went from shadowing to being mentored by one of the best sound techs in the game. If you have ever been to Houndstooth you would know that the long room with a glass wall should not sound as good as it does, but the main sound tech there has engineered their PA system perfectly, and I have come to learn that they are a sound wizard and very proficient at what they do. I still do not know how I was granted such a blessing and how I got so lucky, and I probably cry every time I go in out of pure gratitude for the opportunity. I went from barely navigating how I would even get started, to now having some idea of where I could go, and an environment I did not expect to be so open for me to learn, and that everyone including the owner wants me to be there to harbour my skills, and make dumb mistakes. I was so devastatingly unprepared starting at Houndstooth—I threw myself into it because I had to. I am a year out of school and had not touched anything music related in an embarrassingly long time, probably since I graduated, and it was scariest thing I have ever done for myself, and I knew it was something I couldn't pass up. Nobody else was going to be there, it really is just me this time, and up to me. I still have a hard time taking up space when I go in. I think about my first line to say hi to everyone, and I have probably had a breakdown in their washroom stalls too many times to count on my hands now. I am not great at talking to the staff despite everyone being really welcoming and friendly. I sit alone a lot reluctant to join conversations I'm too scared to interrupt into but probably have a lot to say. I messed up a soundcheck once that left me devastated, and other nights I felt so much love I could burst. I feel so fulfilled doing anything with sound and I don't know where else I would be without pursuing music in general. I got so lucky being able to start in a place already within my niche, and avoid the venues without the punk music I am really looking for. I don't only want to be good, I want to be reliable, and I want to be a community member people turn to. One day I will be really great at sound, but I also plan to be really great at a lot of things. Houndstooth is slowly showing me that I can be, despite the immense growing pains it's taking for me to get there. When I talked about how the universe revealed its answers to me, I knew that my life needed to shift to make space for all of...this.

    One of the first journal entries I wrote after February was about how life keeps moving regardless of your misalignment with it. Life will let you catch up, at your own pace, and it will give you present reminders that it's still moving. I was crying on the subway platform and I did not notice the train arriving until this wave and rush of people got off—it was my reminder that life keeps moving, and I was not going to miss it and wait for the next one. I think about how we feel silly for crying after the session is interrupted by something that made us laugh, because you're capable of seeing that life is still moving. A really good friend of mine and I were talking about everything that happened to me, and they sort of went "life is just so chaotic, you know?" and all of a sudden cars started honking on the road nearby, and these crazy loud motorcycle engines hummed and echoed the entire area and filled in the gaps of the honks. We stared at each other for a moment and started laughing, as if the universe gave us the divine reminder then and there, that life is in fact chaotic, and that it's going to keep moving. I think about the justice we seek instead of making peace with those that didn't make the cut; I think about how we let ourselves surrender and to go without closure—trusting the universe—not realizing that time will reveal the answer unrelated to what you originally sought. And it won't come from the person who made you feel small, but the thing 6 months later that changes your life for the better. And you will know it's the answer because you will see clarity for the first time in a while, and that's when you will know that you have caught up with life's movements.

    I think me writing right now, regardless if I publish it on prototypewrites or not, is the clarity I really needed, to see it all laid out, that I did let life move, and I have caught up, and I am doing things for myself, and that I am different. I have a lot that I still deal with from that time, not to mention current and ongoing struggles, and I mean, it has not even been a year, and I honestly gave myself a way bigger window to "get better" (whatever that means), but I will say I am really proud of myself. I am trying to be okay with taking up space, and this little blog is a place I do feel okay with it. There are lots of roads I still have to cross, and there are lots of fears I still have to face, and I am trying to be okay with being unprepared, because I don't think I ever will be, and I would be waiting my entire life if that was the case. I am capable of going on second dates, and I am capable of being loved, and I am also capable of writing! I know this was not music related but I hope putting this out there is the push to get me back into it and be excited about it again. I love music analyses and it's something I do in my head constantly. I have been struggling with taking the time to put that all down into clear paragraphs for some lovely readers. I plan on sticking to music-centered pieces, but consider this a half-come-back. I don't know yet. Prototype is this 'brand' I created as an ode to all the versions we are and the works-in-progress we all are, to the places we want to be, and the prototypes we will continue to refurbish and refine. This is me, prototype, a new prototype, different from the other ones, thanking you for reading.

-Prototype